THE LIFE OF BIRDS

If I knew he was the Pemberton Sheperd, I most certainly would not have stabbed him where I did.

But, then again, if I knew he was the Pemberton Sheperd, I wouldn't have bought the ticket to Bitburg, I wouldn't have hit the scientist with my rent-a-car, and, most of all, I wouldn't have been here to begin with.

The day the sugar refinery collapsed, I lost my virginity to Daniel Howser.

I thought it was an epic sign of doom.

If my christian parents found out, they'd send me to a boarding school.

That's why I think I have this ulcer.

To confuse things further, "Christian Parent" also happened to be the temporary name of the organization which sent me to Bitburg to begin with. An organization which, it just so happens, has also been called "The Royal Canadian Gold-Leaf Fan Club" and, inexplicably, the "FBI".

It seemed to change monikers more often than I changed undergarments, which, as of recently can be accurately described as "Once A Week" or "Less".

I'm now 26 and i saw an obituary in the paper one sunday for Daniel Howser. I got in touch with some old friends and they couldn't really tell me how he died. Suicide or abduction. Very unsettling.

I didn't find out anything else. I moved to Lethbridge with hopes of starting a new, unpoliced life. But every person I showed sexual interest in ended up moving away without warning, or suddenly married and became very hostile towards me.

So, once again, I turned to Halifax.

Halifax Nelson, that is. Yes, THE Halifax Nelson. The very same one that postered my tenth grade locker with pictures of scantily clad female wrestlers and screamed "LESBIAN!" if ever I would have the good fortune of entering the gymnasium at the same time that he was practicing his three-point-throw. OH, Halifax Nelson. How I DESPISED Halifax Nelson!

But he was smart in a way that many aren't.

He knew sports statistics.

And everyone knows that a solid knowledge of sports statistics is equivalent to "Mojo". To "Charisma".

Everyone knew - before they even knew they knew - that Halifax Nelson would go far.

Teachers really made an effort for him. If he was doing poorly in their class they would dedicate themselves to catering to his betterment.

I heard that his math teacher assigned the whole class to independent work, sat with Halifax Nelson, and babied him through all the equations.

The lessons always turned to conversation and I heard that Halifax Nelson gave relationship advice to the teacher.

He scored very high, and graduated with honours.

The asian girl hated him for it.